


Shades of Gay

by counting2fifteen



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst, Female Phil Lester, Gen, Gender Issues, Mental Health Issues, Nonbinary Dan Howell, Trans Dan Howell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:59:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22044469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/counting2fifteen/pseuds/counting2fifteen
Summary: Dan is confused about gender things. Dan asks PJ for help.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 13
Kudos: 32





	Shades of Gay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kamunamis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamunamis/gifts).



> I wrote this for [@sudden-sky](https://sudden-sky.tumblr.com) because he deserves more trans fics. 
> 
> Additionally, I’d like to make a note about pronouns in this fic: This is a fic where Dan and Phil are both assigned female at birth ~~because I don’t know how to write amab dysphoria.~~ I use she/her pronouns for Dan at the beginning of this fic because it’s before they have their gender figured out and that’s their current perception of themself, not because they’re a girl in this fic. I hope I’ve handled this issue with appropriate sensitivity ~~pls don’t cancel me.~~

Gender really ought to be abolished, Dan thought for the millionth time as she looked in the mirror. Who decided to categorize people into two arbitrary categories based on what flesh flaps were present between their legs when they were born? And were they still alive enough that she could find them, hit them with a stick, and demand that they undo it?

It was well past noon and she had barely managed to get out of bed fifteen minutes ago. She felt tired down to her very bones, despite the ten hours of sleep she had gotten the previous night. It took everything in her not to go back to bed.

She could hear Fi wandering around their apartment, but for some reason, Dan didn’t want to face her girlfriend of ten years that day, or anyone, really. Dan was having more and more days like that lately. She didn’t really want to think about why.

Fi had to leave for a meeting in a few minutes. Dan would just wait to leave their room until then. 

Dan dug through her dresser and mindlessly changed into the usual outfit of jeans, a baggy t-shirt, and a baggy sweatshirt.

It wouldn’t be that hard, she thought, if it wasn’t for the fact that if she wasn’t a man and she wasn’t a woman, who could she be? Trying to find out if she was a man or a woman didn’t seem that hard. But what did you even call someone who wasn’t either?

Dan knew the technical answers. There was genderqueer and nonbinary and genderfluid and agender and gender neutral and gender netrois which was different than gender neutral for some reason and all the labels spun around in her head over and over until she got dizzy.

And if any of these labels did happen to apply, and Dan wasn’t convinced they did, there was still Fi. Fi, who was a lesbian. Fi, who was attracted to women. Fi, who was (probably) not attracted to people who were not women. 

Dan had no illusions about that. It might be better if Fi didn’t know Dan had been questioning her gender for the better part of five years. So Dan hadn’t told her.

In fact, Dan hadn’t told anyone about it. Ever. It wasn’t like that was uncommon for her- feelings, in Dan’s opinion, were for the most part much too embarrassing and personal to be shared. Her therapist was doing his best to pry her open, but the process was slow and painful. For now, emotions stayed inside of Dan, and if they built until they exploded? Well, then they exploded. And that was that.

Dan remembered the time she had savagely attacked her hair with a pair of scissors when she was fourteen, the way her mom cried afterwards. Dan’s life was scattered with emotional outbursts. What were a few more possibly gender related ones?

But sometimes, Dan needed a friend. So Dan called her only trans friend and asked if they could talk. And PJ, who must have sensed it was urgent (Dan never called, only texted), picked up, and they met in a Starbucks just a block from Dan’s apartment.

“See, that’s the thing about gender,” PJ said, leaning across the table. “Everything’s a gender thing. And nothing is.”

Dan frowned. “Explain.”

“There isn’t anything inherent about gender. You can wear dresses and makeup and be a hundred percent a boy, or wear suits and ties and be a girl. The way you dress, the way you act, the way you want people to address you- it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Maybe none of it does. Or maybe all of it does. But speaking of ways you’re addressed, have you thought about pronouns?” PJ asked, sipping on his coffee.

“Pronouns?” Dan picked at a croissant.

“Yes, Dan.” The fondness in PJ’s voice poked through. “The pronouns you’d like to go by. It’s no pressure, of course, but I want to call you what you’d like to be called.”

Dan shrugged. “I don’t know.” Dan did know. A bit. But Dan did not want to think it, let alone say it out loud.

“Well.” PJ’s fingers drummed against his coffee mug. “You have three main options.”

Dan looked down.

“Or names,” PJ offered, switching tactics. “You’ve always preferred Dan over Danielle, haven’t you?”

Dan nodded.

“Why?” PJ asked.

“I don’t know,” Dan said honestly. “Danielle is just so- ugh.” Dan shuddered.

“You don’t have an issue with other people named Danielle,” PJ pointed out.

“It’s a perfectly fine name,” Dan admitted. “I just- don’t like it on me.”

“So do you think you’d like to keep going by Dan?” PJ asked.

Dan thought about it. “I think so.”

“Okay,” PJ said. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“No,” Dan admitted.

“So,” PJ said. “Pronouns?” When Dan didn’t respond, he pressed further. “They don’t need to be permanent, you know. I went by they for ages before deciding he was a better fit, and I went by she for even longer. I have friends who did the opposite. There’s no shame in changing your mind.”

Dan stared at PJ’s cup of coffee.

“Like I said, it’s no pressure. You don’t need an answer now. But for your sake, I think you should about it. Okay?”

Dan thought about it on the walk home.

Pronouns were weird. And hard. She/her had worked well enough for over twenty years. But if Dan was thinking about gender- well, trying out they/them or he/him seemed like the next logical step. As was talking to Fi, as much as it might hurt.

Which was how Dan ended up standing in the doorway, staring at Fi, trying to memorize her like this, just in case: her long, dark eyelashes against her snowy cheeks, her short, heavily bitten fingernails tapping against her keyboard, her warm, blue eyes noticing Dan and glancing up.

Dan cleared their throat gently. “Fi?” they asked. “Can we talk?”

**Author's Note:**

> [like/rb on tumblr](https://counting2fifteen.tumblr.com/post/189970639583/shades-of-gay)


End file.
